My Old-Self

I was doing some spring cleaning - emotionally, mentally and digitally...

These are some OG blog posts from my old, defunct and decommissioned blog I was writing in back in the 2010-2012++ time of my then life. A working title of ‘A journey through life…’ was where I was parking my thoughts and emotions. After reading through my posts - I was definitely journaling on this blog way more, and way better, than any actual diary/journaling for my self. LOL! I will say though, I'm glad I was doing this - because it's apparently where I was journaling at the time! This is a snapshot of my perimenopausal, awakening, health crisis time! A lot of this stuff is a blur and/or forgotten. Reading this was interesting. For me, anyway... ☺

Early blogging days was super trendy, the Tik-Tok of its time! I had several blogs going on between 2004 to 2015... I was all-over the place; I was starting them, leave them for dead, and then kill them. Delete, delete, delete!! I was just as lost with my own Self as I was with creating a place and space on the world wide web. It didn't stop me though, I would start all over and get back to writing. Writing what was on my mind and what was going on with Me. Pouring your guts out on-line and onto the intro-nets was what we were doing. From forums to blogs to websites to social media (in its infancy) - we felt the world getting smaller; reaching out via computer... finding our people! Ahhh, such innocence. LOL!

Fast forward a decade... we haven't missed a beat with this activity! We're still blogging (probably not as hard-core), still over-sharing, and now - unfortunately - it's over-videoing. Social media apps are the new blogging; aka vlogging. Writing actual words is becoming rare; sad. Being able to read words... this might become a sad state of affairs as well (I hope not!).

I write and blog for my Self, then and still.

Being able to see/read how far I've come over the years, the decades, well... it's my snapshot(s) of transitional times (which is constant! Am-I-right??!). I leave 'notes' for my future-Self, my children, family, and any other soul that stumbles across my words - and something resonates. It's expression... and I have to express my-Self!! This is just one of the forms I do so with. ☺

♥

So... ya, I’ve come a long way…baybee! It’s amazing what a decade can look like! LOL!

A reminder of how the 'health-care' (or me trying to find and keep) was just an epic Fail; I still had to go and be my own doctor (this was when I was bouncing around from doc to doc looking for help! P.S. Aka: most of my adult life!). I am my own guinea pig, experimenting and learning along the way. Seeing that I was clearly perimenopause (and transitioning), going through ‘awakening’ phases/stages, a little bit of some ‘dark night’, some good-ole health crisis (plural, several), the planetary shift of the ascension trajectory, as well as other factors going on…it’s interesting! This was my personal diary.

I'm not re-posting all my entries - I don't need to. But I wanted to save/capture a few that were good sum-ups of my life in a nut-shell.

January 2013 – in retrospect – was following the death of dad. I was already ‘losing my shit’ previous to his passing (like dealing with/processing moms death). And I was a bit lost and things felt/seemed chaotic – all while I would scream: stop the world I wanna get off! Knowing that I was to be having a few health crises in the upcoming years would have been nice to know! LOL! But I did my best with what I knew to be doing, where to be learning/looking for answers, etc.

2012 into 2013++ is when I was done being: tired of being tired – and thus, my decade long search would truly ensue. The shift that happened was deep/deeper - and I knew and sensed that was what going on was bigger than me. Things continued to ‘click’ along the way and ‘fast forwarding’ to my ‘now’… I think I would be in some serious crappy shape if I was to keep ignoring the signs/warning signs and curing my ales with coffee and alcohol, ignorance and avoidance. Clean up can take a hot-minute… and I’m here for it. It might take me the rest of my life to get cleaned-up real good…☺ and I’m okay with that. Never stop bettering yourself; stumble, fall… get back up and learn from it – whether its health issues, emotional, mental… whatevers – growth; spiritual growth, becoming whole – holistically well, is the name of the game!

☺

♥

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Jan 28, 2013 – ‘Allergies’

Friday was the allergist. I finally got in on an appointment and was pretty excited about that. We discussed the fact that since this eczema is only on my face – I probably am having a contact allergic reaction… to something. I left the office with 3 patches on my back - testing for the most common 'chemical/metal' in-products items/ingredients. We’ll check for those first and if that leads us no-where – we then will move onto house-type/environmental stuff… like cats, dogs, dust mites, mold, etc.

I gotta say – that in the first hour of wearing these things I felt a hot sensation down the middle of my back; and then the itchiness began. I immediately recognize that these next couple of days will be interesting… and probably drive me a little crazy at times. Can’t get them wet… so, no working out and it’s showering with the nozzle to keep the back dry. So far – I have been able to not even shower! (Haha!) Ya, things are getting ripe – so… I think a shower is in order today (it’s only been 2 days… that’s not so bad; right?).

(Fast forward)

Tomorrow is patch-test check day. I like that my appointment is in the morning… let’s get this taken care of! :-) I am really looking forward to the results and I am hoping that we find out what the hell has been (suddenly) plaguing me (since last summer). If not… then it’s on to environmental things… and this 1960’s house with all of its piled-up dust and creepy-crawlies!

Onto a different note; but not too different since it’s in relation to eczema:

I ordered (and received) some MSM cream and pills/capsules to try out for my ailing eczema issue. I kind of don’t want to start the pills until after my allergy patch test is over. The cream, however, I started last night. I put some on my face. My face was red and patchy in some areas (like the corners of my mouth, and under my eyes/lids, little bit around nostrils/nose area). I put the lotion all over my face tho – not like the hydrocortisone cream where you should only put it on the red spots. Well, I don’t know if this morning is a good sign or not… skin looked kind of the same but red patches are now flakey. The corners of my mouth had dry, flakey skin on the surface (but still red underneath). I guess time will tell on this one. I will try this stuff for a while and see if it helps. I’ve read so many positive reports about how wonderful MSM is for your skin (and your body) that I can’t NOT try it.

I really, really want to not have to use any cortisone creams. I also want to find out what I am allergic to. Meanwhile I need to keep my face from becoming a scary red nightmare while I work on this issue.

Man – I hope this week goes good!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jan 30, 2013 – ‘Allergy Result’

The check-in with my allergist was Tuesday and my patch test was taken off my back (thank gawd! ’cause that was getting annoyingly itchy). I had a super high allergic reaction to nickel (which I figured I would – I have always had problems with that). Everything else was either nothing there or it was too weak to be considered an allergen to me. An annoyance/sensitivity, yes. An all-out rash-maker… no. Interesting that they were other metals and/or a ‘relation’ of nickel (like cobalt).

I guess its good news and bad news. It’s good I’m not hyper-sensitive to all of these 'chemicals' but bad in the fact that I am back to finding what else it could be.

I am starting to think there is nickel (and its relations: cobalt being the biggest) in the mineral powder I am using. I switched to Honeybee Gardens minerals just last Spring/Summer time. Every time I have to put that stuff on my face – I have been getting pretty irritated. I used to use Bare Minerals and I may have to go back to that brand. I was trying to find a less expensive mineral foundation but… it will be worth the extra bucks if it keeps me from eczema breakouts. My other option: no more make-up.

The other thing we are going to do is get the water here checked. The pipes are from the 60’s and 70’s and could be leaching metals. Day after day of use and exposing my face/skin to this water can eventually cause problems. I am wondering if there is a combo going on here that has just made a nice 'toxic' atmosphere on my face – it really needs to stop! I don’t like using hydrocortisone but damn the red itchy spots are annoying!

I am putting MSM cream on during the day for lotion and at night at bedtime. I hope this helps… but right now – there’s not a whole lot going on with this. It has been only a few uses tho – so, I am not giving up yet (that would be silly). It’s just getting started.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Feb 5, 2013 – ‘Update’

It’s been a week since my allergy test. The nickel spot (on my back) just recently went away (actually there is still a trace). But it was still blistery for days. I guess if I have constant exposure – it can take days and days to actually alleviate its wrath.

We are going to have our (well) water tested for nickel. I would to also get it tested for arsenic and a few other fun-guys… but each test in an additional cost. I guess time will tell on that one (that and what I decide to finally purchase when I take the bottle of water in).

Meanwhile, I am continuing the use of taking MSM capsules (I am still only in the initial phase of one – or 1,000mg – a day. I plan on increasing the dose sometime this week/in the next week). I am also still using the MSM lotion on my face. I feel like I may have to back it down to applying it once instead of 2 or 3 times a day. I think I was getting a little excited about the smoothing affect it was starting to give (just by day 2). The backlash of that was that I think it was purging my skin and bringing toxins to the surface(??). Not sure.

I was starting to get some really red patches going. Is this considered too much of a good thing? Might be. Regardless… if it is working (in all the right ways) and I am going too fast… I am going to slow it back down. When I was only using it at night – the results were slow but steady. When I started going cah-ray-zee and putting it on more… I think my skin was starting to scream at me. As of last night - I am putting it on once and using the hydrocortisone cream to calm the eczema flares that are going on. We’ll see how things go by next week. I like to give things a good week before I judge too harshly. 🙂

Since I am also getting over a cold (got hit pretty hard this last weekend) I am pumping the goods (C, D, garlic, olive leaf, chlorella, etc.) for immunity boosting. I have been wondering, though, if this is part of an overall detoxing (or a herxheimer reaction/effect) from everything I am currently doing??? I never get sick – like this. “Like this” means: 2 colds within 2 months’ time frame. I basically had one or two good weeks of feelin’ fine between New Years day and this last weekend. I am pretty sure the parasite cleansing I am doing, along with the addition of MSM, and maybe even the addition of the magnesium oil to my feet at night are making my body purge some toxins (besides just the little critters from my colon).

I hope it’s all good here soon because I really don’t enjoy the feeling of being sick. Gawd… am I really that toxic inside? I just might be! It makes me wonder how badly I messed myself up in my youth and my 20’s. Even though I’ve done sporadic, random, ‘detoxes’/diets/cleanses over the years, I might just be blowing-up right now!

Geesh, I’m trying to clean up now, with more dedication though… better late than never.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Feb 24, 2013 – ‘Checking In’

It’s been a few weeks since I have written. But – not much has really changed either. We got our water tested for nickel (and only nickel), wish we got a better work-up done but… maybe later. The test results came back with extremely low traces. If it’s the water then it’s something else in the water (or a combo of “something-else’s”??).

I am continuing my MSM and am up to 3000 mg a day right now. I am planning to move up another 1000 mg next week sometime. I am also still using the MSM cream on my face. I think its helping. It’s more noticeable after the nighttime application and I wake up with a smoother/calmer looking face. It’s not getting rid of any red eczema patches tho – and that is what I really want to happen. So, I still have to use some prescription cream on and off to keep things from getting big and red. I really hope that between the two of these that I will start to purge toxins (I probably already am) and really clear up.

I am also still using the magnesium (spray) on my feet at night – before bed. I think it’s helped me get some sleep. I am noticing that I am actually sleeping better through the night and not doing tons of tossing and turning. This is good! 🙂 I hope it’s doing some other good things for me as well.

I am also on a Wormwood combo type capsule. Instead of using parasite killing kits I am trying a more simple way. Just a couple of these pills/combo and I am done for the day. It’s convenient and they seem to be working. I have seen that I have passed a couple of worms since I have been on this brand/blend. I will continue to use this – probably for a long time coming. I want these little bastards out of my body! I did get my “poo-test” back from the lab and need to go over the results with my doctor. But just by looking at it myself and seeing the ranges of some stuff… I am definitely positive for yeast (just like I thought I would be) and other ‘critters’(??) – this testing is something new to me. I need to set up an appointment and get the low-down on what my results are really telling me.

Until then… since owning and operating a full-time restaurant – I am busy as hell these days and need to watch my stress, my health, make sure I keep exercising, and just take good general care of myself. I hate being sick so I will need to pay close attention…. I usually do – but now I really need to. Let’s hope I do good!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

March 9, 2014 – ‘Yippy! Spring Is Coming!’

Happy March…

Thought I would check in and give a little update.

We had a late winter around here and got a lot of snow in Feb/early March… but this week the sun has been coming out, warming things up, and melting the snow. I know spring is coming because them birds are-a-singin’ out there and becoming very active.

Anyways, to check-in health wise…let’s see… as I write this I have been recovering from 2.5 days of a sore throat and I am fighting the ‘what-ever-else’ is trying to come-on like crazy. I am eating raw garlic, taking olive leaf, MSM, L-lysine, Vit-C and Vit-D…. the list goes on and I hope it’s doing some fighting-good. I loathe getting sick and when my system gets run-down… that’s when I get hit (it doesn’t help when someone else in the family brings ‘it’ home). So, other than that I have been working on getting myself into a workout schedule these last 2 months. I started slow with a 10 minute trainer or a Pilates session every other day (I love my Pilates). Then I bumped things up to a 10 or 20 minute session 4 or 5 times a week (trying to get something in almost every day). I am doing all right and just this last week (before I started feeling like crap) – I was upping my workouts to 20-35 min. Turbo Jams (cardio sessions). I miss doing the weights and really like the days of lifting some weight. I never really was a cardio-gal but I do them anyways…

So, with getting a workout back into my life, on a more-steady basis, I also am supposed to be cutting sugar and cleaning things up in the food department. I will admit – I am delving into that as slow and procrastinate-y as one would expect. Why is that? I dunno………..  Actually, I attempt to get started and I usually get a solid couple of days going and then I run out of food. I’m on a strict grocery budget and can’t really afford such an expensive diet/lifestyle. Yes, Paleo is for rich people, people with no kids; or it’s a summertime venture (because I can get a lot of stuff from the garden). Living so far away from any large population and conveniences - it really does pinch the pocketbook. Which is sad when you think about it… fresh food shouldn’t be expensive… but it is. It’s a catch 22!

Also going on is still the MSM – but I have cut myself back to only 2 a day (when I used to take 4 or 5). I am thinking of going back up again, in dose, and see if it helps in my tiredness. I am also trying out a new gluten-defense type pill that is supposed to help digest/break-down gluten. So far – it may be working – I don’t know… it’s been 2 months but only at half dose. The half dose sure makes soft poo though. I am on and off with magnesium on my feet (probably a couple times a month, once or twice a week, I’ll rub it into my feet at bedtime). As for progesterone… I am still using Emerita brand and it seems to be doing ok. Definitely way better than the (custom/compounded) bio-identical that was giving major eczema patches all over my face. That was really bad! Really bad! And the discovery of that was a game-changer!

I need to go and get a complete thyroid panel done and see where things are at – I feel things are probably out of whack. My current doctor sucks at his sort of thing and is not the greatest at thyroid and hormones. She just gives the very basic of testing and it’s not very comprehensive – so, I am on the most basic of ‘therapy’ and treatment. I need more because I know there is way more going on. Once again, I need a better doctor.

Until then – I have a tendency to ‘diagnose’ and treat myself. I will be my own guinea-pig and try to find the right combo that works for me. I need to keep my stress levels in check – more so now… we are going to remodel our restaurant this spring and become a whole ‘new restaurant’. It will be stressful but it will also be great! I am super excited to be going in the direction that I want to go! I guess that is just kind-of true for everything in life right?… Go the direction you want to go! I am going to put that on my vision board!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sept 5, 2014 – ‘…what happened…’

OMG, (yes, I used the ‘OMG’) it is September and I haven’t jotted anything down all summer. It was a pretty bad summer – so, maybe it’s not worth jotting things down.

We opened in (basically) June and started right off the bat with 6 days straight for me. I lost my help and it came down to me ‘hauling-the-load’… that kind-of sucked. Welp, I drank a lot of coffee and popped a lot of pills (as in: vitamin b’s) to keep the energy level somewhat up. Not really any help though… still super-tired, drug-ass and didn’t really sleep. Regardless of my fatigue… June was looking pretty good and we stayed on a steady path. July hits and so do the wild fires. We had so many fires within a months’ time – it was crazy!

The damages were pretty devastating and we will be recovering from this for years to come. This changed everything for the area. Business went completely in the toilet for most of us… tourism tanked… it’s sure hard to pay bills…………………. Not too long after the fire damage ripped through here – we got rain; lots of rain. The rain storms started washing things out and away. The flooding caused more damages. Oh boy…. August was weird because of this mother-nature stuff. It was feeling like the ‘off-season’ around here. Quiet, vacant… eerily ghost-town like. Just – not good.

The end of summer is the time when we gear up for the kids to go back to school. My son is off to his second year at college; my oldest daughter is a senior this year and baby-girl is a freshmen. They’re growing up so fast. After Labor Day weekend you could really tell school was back in session… it was already ‘dead’ – but now even more so - it really died around here.

Now that it’s September – I can feel the fall coming on. I love fall… it really is my favorite season. No, not just because it’s pumpkin-spice-latte season…. it’s just….. everything about it. We all know that I don’t need to go into details here. Anyways,… changing the subject….

I have recently been really, really, really wanting to get back to my painting and being my creative self. So, I am getting some bottles painted. I’ve got the urge to paint a table or something – but, I need access to one. ☺

I am in my final 'leg' of my interior design course(s) and it feels like I just started about 2 or 3 months ago – but it’s been a year! Yes…..where did the time go?  🙂 Summer was such a blur and I am glad it’s over!

Now, onto my health. Yes, I’ve already mentioned I am exhausted and feel like I have chronic fatigue syndrome. I really need to locate myself a good doctor that can help me get back on track. I need to get my thyroid checked, my hormones, my vitamin D levels and B levels checked too. I feel like I have put my-Self/health on the back burner since the restaurant took over my life… and I don’t like it. I need to sell this restaurant so that I can get my health and joy back. It’s time to get back to happy. Yup, I’m pointing out the ‘elephant in the room’.

I know, this post looks and reads kind-of random and scattered – kind-of like my life these last few months. I just wanted to get the key points down. Maybe if I start getting more time to write – I can keep things a little more coherent. (Haha!) Yup… we’ll see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

March 24, 2015 – ‘UGH!’

Well, it’s creeping up on the end of March already (and my birthday weekend). But this is not about that – this is a ‘note-to-self’ about my current progesterone chaos.

I am going to up my dose to 100mg and I am going to put the cream on morning and night now. I really don’t think I am getting enough and this month has been giving me the warning signs that I’m not.

First of all… I am having my period 14 days apart. WTF?! Seriously?! I don’t want to be constantly on my friggin’ period! Second, the one I am currently suffering through now – hurts like a mutha-fuggah! The sharp jabbing pain that leaves me in tears (not to mention – damn near bedridden) has lead me to the conclusion it’s probably time to up my progesterone amount… and maybe a longer duration of it too. I’m out ‘here’ swimming around in a sea of no-help from any kind of health-care person… as they tend to be clueless and belittling.

I am reading the dosage information on the package and have noticed – I’m barely getting 40 to 50 mg of progesterone when I put it on. This is not enough anymore. Sure, when first starting out – this was an acceptable dose and was noticeably working for me. Now, after 4 years of the same dose – it’s not enough. I am getting older and losing more and more progesterone/hormonal balance with each passing day. I am in perimenopause and since my tubes were tied… I’m more of a ‘mess’ then someone who hasn’t had their tubes tied. It’s probably debatable, I’m sure – as each one of us is different. I wish they (doctors, etc) would inform women of the long-term ramifications of a tubal (in hindsight, they are probably just as clueless). I would have educated myself way better if – maybe even opted out of it – if I knew that this is what I had to look forward to! I have enough problems as it is. To add insult to injury I have been hypo-thyroid most of my life.

Okay, so, I have been doing some current research (because things sure have gotten easier/better to find the last 5 years about this subject) – more women are talking about this and it’s always nice to know: ‘I’m not the only one’…eh? :-)

I am discovering that I am W-A-Y under-dosed (and probably mis-diagnosed) and need to ramp this baby up. I also need to get a current saliva test done (it has been 3 years and I know things have changed). Since I have to treat/check my-Self, it’s some home-testing for this gal. Since the cramps and the unbearable pain is baaaaackk – that means I am no longer in the ‘sufficient’ zone. So, with the dosing amount, according to my cream/package - I will need to: start with the cream immediately following the end of my period (instead of waiting until ‘day 6’ – that no longer serves me anymore and it’s time to move on and adjust). I will add a morning dose along with the usual bedtime dose. That should get me up to (or really damn close to) 100mg of progesterone.

I will try this and see how things go. I am also hoping that this will also help me in my weight department (OMG – I have gained 20 pounds in 2 years – yikes! I don’t like that). I am a complete insomniac and just can’t fall asleep (and then I can’t get up in the morning), my moods are noticeable, different and have changed for the snappy! There is no drive, energy or motivation to do…. anything. I’m drained.

I really want this year to be an awesome new-developing-growing-into-my-true-self kind-of time but lately it’s just not moving anywhere. I feel more depressed and just BLAH… let’s start correcting this and have some energy, some joy, some fun!

New dose starts soon! Good luck!

To: ME! “Cheers!”